10 ways Fred Thompson could jumpstart his campaign

10. Add a supercharger to his golfcart motor [rimshot]

9.  shorten afternoon naps to 2 hours [rimshot]

8.  switch to long-acting Dentu-Creme [rimshot]

7.  start the day with Geritol shots [rimshot]

6.  no more mint juleps for lunch. [rimshot]

5.  cut back on those timewasting daily enemas [rimshot]

4.  restrict bathroom reading time [rimshot]

3.  tie his jowels up in a bow [rimshot]

2.  change to the instant form of grits [rimshot]

and the number one way for Fred Thompson to jumpstart his campaign: [drumroll]

1.  add a pole to his wife's campaign appearances [rimshot]

UPDATE:

Additional suggestions:

-get born again.

-put the baseball cap on straight and stop asking "Whaaazzzupp?"

-lose the Postum; try some Red Bull.

•  I am not a scab, people. n/t

  by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:28:51 PM PDT

  •  Left out one, SD... a defibrillator...; )

    "Generosity, Ethics, Patience, Effort, Concentration, and Wisdom"

    by Dood Abides on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:41:40 PM PDT

    •  Clear! (n/t)

      by Moody Loner on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:42:38 PM PDT

    •  Kind of expensive, he'd probably settle for

      jumper cables.

      by littlesky on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:44:22 PM PDT

    •  Dooooooooooood!

      That's all. Just Dooooooooooooooood!

      JP

      by jurassicpork on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:45:40 PM PDT

    •  One cannot

      de-fib a Republican. That's all they are. Fibs.

      by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:59:21 PM PDT

      •  Living in WI, FIBS has another meaning...

        I thought he was from TN?

        by JVolvo on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 04:00:37 PM PDT

•  some of these are funny

  :-)

  by formernadervoter on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:29:11 PM PDT

  •  I may have to jumpstart it n/t

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:31:48 PM PDT

•  Jump start it with Dick Cheney's pacemaker n/t

  by sd4david on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:31:06 PM PDT

•  Hire a mascot.

  

  Breed: Republican
  Build: Cumbersome.  
  Coat: Short and tight hair, in brindles and fawns.
  Brains: Dull but obedient. Can sometimes be resistant and stubborn, which requires others around it to be equally persistent and strong.  

  Trademark Traits      
  This lumbering beast is laid-back to the point of laziness. Can be a very finicky about its food and living conditions. Prefers a silk pillow over a towel in the hallway. While appearing gentle at first, this breed can cause a great deal of trouble if left to its own devices. Enjoys fine Italian footwear. An aggressive streak makes maintaining law and order a challenge. Their frightening looks make them extremely effective guardians.

  Is this a good candidate for you?      
  Its sheer size makes a strong first impression, but enthusiasm generally wanes over time as people become more informed . Not the most exciting animal to own, this breed is strictly for those with the time and inclination to properly train and socialize it. A large, fenced yard would be helpful. May be too big to be safely handled by the elderly or for families with very young children.

  by jeepdad on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:31:24 PM PDT

  •  I could live with all of that, but

    the slavering aka slobbering would drive me nuts.

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:33:03 PM PDT

  •  great picture

    Which one of these is Fred again??

    by cgvjelly on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:41:37 PM PDT

    •  The one that's not drooling.

      OK, well ... perhaps I should clarify: the one on the right.

      by jeepdad on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:43:02 PM PDT

    •  He's the one not (pictured) drooling

      by bherner on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:43:16 PM PDT

  •  Who's who ?

    by langerdang on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:58:55 PM PDT

  •  LOL

    That side by side is priceless, we'll have to keep that around if he survives past Iowa.

    by skohayes on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:45:53 PM PDT

•  #11 ....

  Just Quit ...

  by DrMicro on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:32:36 PM PDT

•  Love that we now have an "enemas" tag

  That's gonna be really helpful in future searches.  :)

  by littlesky on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:33:19 PM PDT

  •  I think I'm gonna get ticketed for that

    the tag police have me on their watch list.

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:35:25 PM PDT

    •  Hey now, if I want to sort by the tag

      'enemas' I should have that option.  

      by littlesky on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:46:41 PM PDT

•  I think he should...

  ...go on Dancing with the Stars.

  Do you have any idea how many votes he'd pick up? I'm serious.

  Actually, if they did the Iowa Caucus as an episode of Dancing With the Stars, all citizens would participate.

  Okay, this started as humor but quickly became very sad. I need a drink....

  by malharden on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:35:23 PM PDT

  •  shuffling with the stars would work for Fred.

    Hush puppies could sponsor.

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:36:12 PM PDT

    •  Rec for Hush Puppies

      To insert the Hush Puppies brand name into a Republican candidate comparison is quite literally "outstanding" work.

      by egarratt on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:14:01 PM PDT

  •  But how's his tapping?

    Larry Craig wants to know.

    by Moody Loner on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:14:43 PM PDT

•  Thanks for posting this excellant

  distraction from the tense feeling produced by the IOWA caucus.

  by DrMicro on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:35:45 PM PDT

  •  never mind the thanks

    JUST GIMME MY TIP.

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:36:47 PM PDT

    •  There ya go !!!!!!

      by DrMicro on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:38:19 PM PDT

    •  Dang, these writers sure are grouchy.

      Although I understand being angry the strike has gone this long.

      I want my Colber Repore with writing team back!

      by JVolvo on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 04:03:44 PM PDT

•  Fred go back to Law & Order

  You were good there, I enjoyed watching you on that show.

  by SensibleDemocrat on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:37:58 PM PDT

  •  Thompson was Reagan in reverse.

    Reagan was a good performer in movies but even better as a public servant.  Thompson was good playing authoritative characters in movies and on TV, but while playing 'himself' as a presidential candidate he was inadequate.  Apparently the L&O writers wouldn't work on his campaign.

    by Greasy Grant on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:45:10 PM PDT

    •  Do you mean Reagan was better at

      being a public servant or playing a public servant?

      by beagledad on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:50:32 PM PDT

      •  He was a better performer as a politician

        than as an actor.  Schwarzeneggar is the same way.  Reagan's right-wing ideology sucked, of course, but he could sell it better than most GOoPers.

        by Greasy Grant on Fri Jan 04, 2008 at 07:33:15 AM PDT

  •  Gave up his day job

    he can't he's been replaced

    by never forget 2000 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:38:15 PM PDT

    •  yeah i know

      but he is much better served in his old job

      by SensibleDemocrat on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 04:00:04 PM PDT

•  Haha!

  This is the Freeper candidate too.  I love it!  Worst...campaign...ever.

  by GiveNoQuarter on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:43:28 PM PDT

•  I don't think anything

  can wake up Sleepy Time Freddy Bear.

  by demkat620 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:45:03 PM PDT

•  For some jobs

  You need to take a lie detector test.
  Fred should at least to take a life detector test. It may or may not jump start something, but at least people would not have the impression they were not trying to converse with a Mummie.

  by langerdang on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:49:45 PM PDT

  •  Don't you need a heart beat?

    Just asking.

    by egarratt on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:14:56 PM PDT

    •  Heart is a little

      too much to expect from a repug.

      by langerdang on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 04:08:21 PM PDT

•  Grampa Fred should throw in the towel

  He needs an easy chair, a good cigar and a TV nap.
  Who ever thought he had any potential to actually be the Prez?

  by moose67 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:50:05 PM PDT

  •  about 48% of the people on this website

    "fear of fred" was very real here some months ago...it's been replaced by "huckophobia"

    by memofromturner on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:58:06 PM PDT

    •  I'm not afraid of Huck at all

      he will self destruct.
      McCain is the only Republican who might be able to win, against HRC.

      by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:00:49 PM PDT

  •  My politically retarded brother thinks Fred will

    win...then again, he was a "bush Wrangler" (meaning he donated over $400 bucks to asshole in 2004)...

    by darthstar on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:00:44 PM PDT

    •  I'm sorry, but I guess

      every family has some "evolutionary throwback".

      by moose67 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:10:53 PM PDT

•  Buy the rights to the Sundance

  Film Festival and have it show Fred Thompson films:

  Aces:Iron Eagle III
  Curly Sue
  Days of Thunder

  by dave1042 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:51:26 PM PDT

•  #12 Smoking Jacket and PJ's ala Hugh Hefner. n/t

  by cosette on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:53:48 PM PDT

  •  Don't forget the English Leather! n/t

    by littlesky on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:03:10 PM PDT

•  He needs a grassroots organization...

  Trophy Wives for Thompson.

  by blueyedace2 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:53:50 PM PDT

  •  Or maybe...

    just a face lift.

    by blueyedace2 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:55:01 PM PDT

•  #13 Jeri needs highlight her hair

  and quit wearing brown.
  She should only campaign in her skanky party dresses.
  (Wish I could find the pix)

  by cosette on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:55:48 PM PDT

  •  should I list skank as a tag? n/t

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:01:58 PM PDT

    •  LOL, I think that's pushing it n/t

      by littlesky on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:04:21 PM PDT

  •  You wanted a piccie?

    just click the link and you've got the complete Jeri wardrobe !

    by AmericanRiverCanyon on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:44:07 PM PDT

    •  Whoa! Thanks. n/t

      by cosette on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 09:48:37 PM PDT

•  11. Change his name to Ron Paul

  by darthstar on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:55:49 PM PDT

  •  LoL n/t

    by cosette on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 02:56:43 PM PDT

•  #14

  #14: Stop buying those discount generic hearing aid batteries;

  #15: Hire a plumber to sort out those Internets tubes, and figure out why none of this 'grassroots' money is flowing his way;

  #16: Fake a speech impediment so people don't wonder why he has nothing to say;

  ...

  by Kingsmeg on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:12:08 PM PDT

•  I really love

  number 3. Heh.

  by belly on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:22:44 PM PDT

•  Fred should audition

  for the next sequel to Weekend at Bernie's.  He'd make a perfect Bernie.  Wouldn't be much of a stretch for him to play a dead guy.

  by cgvjelly on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:29:28 PM PDT

•  Fred has officially become the comic relief for

  the GOP primary.

  I hope they all hang in there until the last minute, confusing the hell out of their base and wasting money on an internecine campaign war.

  Oh yes, there isn't enough popcorn...

  by Ammo Hauler on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:41:16 PM PDT

  •  Fred is soo lucky that there is a writer's strike

    O/w Jon Stewart would be having a ball!

    by never forget 2000 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 03:46:09 PM PDT

•  One word in defense of Fred

  When he was asked about his religiousness, given that he doesn't attend church, he said it wasn't anyone's business.  Go Fred!

  by Rich in PA on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 04:17:16 PM PDT

  •  number 11 on the list should be

    be born again.

    by seesdifferent on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 05:56:44 PM PDT

    •  Too late-they don't like deathbed conversions n/t

      by Rich in PA on Thu Jan 03, 2008 at 06:08:26 PM PDT